Nuerenberg PADDLE 2000
by Josh Hilberman
On Tap Volume 111, Number 1 May/ June 2000 International Tap Association

The World Championship of Paddle and Roll began in 1995 as a practical joke. Performing with the excellent German dancers, Kurt Albert & Klaus Bleis, in the town of Paderborn, I created the legend of "Paderborn: Where the Paddle was Born….paddle-born…Paderborn" and set out to trick the edgy Kurt. The rules were simple: three rounds of Paddle and Roll, Champion decided by the audience applause. Kurt one the audience and the championship in a storm of applause, Klaus laughed for a solid 20 minutes, and my place in Paddle history was established: idea man & loser.

This year an international cast gathered to laugh, dance, and do battle: Kurt Albert, Klaus Bleis, Manu Collins, Thomas Marel and Pia Neises all from Germany, Marijn Van Veen from Holland and myself from the USA.
From my journal 1/16/: "Flight 423 rumbles across the Atlantic, and the ventilation system supercools my boots. So I've got cold feet and a great mood as we jet along. In my luggage are the American flag boxer shorts, socks, bandana, and headpiece that will represent my attempt to bring the trophy home. My act, " Yankee Doodle Dandy" all the way: dress like a patriotic freak, play Yankee Doodle Dandee on my key of D penny whistle while paddling, and finish off the piece with the lighting of the sparklers which adorn my head piece. Music, dance, costume, pyrotechnics - win or lose, I feel certain I have done the most legwork.

The marvelous theater, Nuremberg's Tafelhalle, has been booked for some 8 months in advance. Planning begins in October with the usual phone call to producer Klaus: " What are we going to do?" In November I buy a penny whistle. In December I get the first threatening e-mail from Marek, telling me I don't have a chance. My big plans for a full striptease and penny whistle solo are simplified radically each time I go to the studio. My respect for Shoehorn skyrockets, and I apologize to long time pianist, Paul Arslanian for every comment I ever made….

4 days before the show, Klaus decides he needs a costume. Within hours, he has scored a mystery outfit. In a typical display of German fair-mindedness, he calls each of the other contestants and tells them, " A costume could be important." I fume and feel my title slipping away.
My European colleagues are dancing their added off. The concert includes a new group work by Marek, a gorgeous ballad/soft shoe by Manu that features the woman, a new swinging duo by Kurt & Klaus, and more. Anyone who thinks that America has retained the rights to creativity and excellence in tap dance, is wrong. The Europeans bring plenty to the table, travel great distances to work together, and continue to push the conceptual development of tap. Or maybe I'm just trying to console myself for losing to a good-looking chick in a bathing suit.

The contest begins with Round `. "The technical rounds," where we all come on wearing numbers and red-beauty-pageant-banners and engage in a paddle-off tribute to Lon Chaney to "Perdido." We leave to change costumes for the freestyle round as the musicians execute ten minutes of paddle-based hilarity involving children's toys, ping pong balls, and frying pans. Yogo, drummer and emcee. Reads the first entry as though it were the Olympics, "Now, contestant number one wearing number double-zero, Thomas Marek, Deutschland.

The lovely Anina walks out carrying a card reading " Round 1", immediately followed by Marek who is dressed as Rocky, compete with gloves and Burger King Crown, and delivers a full pantomime paddle and boxing drama complete with knockout, the games have truly begun. Marijn follows, in sexy red dress and high heels, slinks right down to the audience, whispers, "Shhhhhhhhh…," and though she can barely walk in the shoes, her burning solo tells you: she sure can dance. Then Wild West Manu ambles on, towing a wooden horse and wearing spurs, cracking a whip, shooting at her feet and saying, "Dance, Dance."

Two-time champion Kurt Albert borrows from German literature and cinema, and when it comes on, the crowd swoons with recognition: wearing a long black wig, Kurt hits one step and then impales himself on an arrow. A bold statement from the ex-champ: one step and then death. Pia rolls on-stage-wearing inline skated, swimsuit, goggles, bathing cap, and floatation devices, carrying canoe paddles ( with egg shakers attached ) - and into history: PADDLE AND ROLL!!!!!!! She begins with a clave pattern, circles and sings " Mathilda", and then hits a full minute of paddles and rolling. So it is a traditional Cuban-influences bathing suit rollerblade song skate and dance routine, executed perfectly - a moment of genius, and the applause rolls on and on and on. Backstage, ready to enter, I know I have lost again.

I walk on, I pose, I flex my puny biceps in an attempt to regain the crows, and I begin to blow my whistle. An errant note brings a laugh, and then I am rolling: playing, our-of-breath, playing and dancing faster, rolling back to where Marijn and Manu light my sparklers, the audience goes wild with the sparklers and cannot hear my incredible finale - just as well as the air had left me and it is largely squeaks.

For the rest of the show I am a case stuffy in "the body language of a loser." Mild-mannered defending champion Klaus follows in his Star Wars outfit, and performs what Yogo calls "the only solo to really capture the New Millennium." Singing a respective solo to repetitive techno beat into his wireless mic, Klaus dances the same step, over and over.

Seated underneath the gigantic "Paddle 2000" sign, the contestants rise and one by one let the audience judge. It is no contest, really, and we toll Pia forward to raucous applause. Three ovations and one wildly costumed Shim-Sham later, Pia having skated victory laps, danced encores, thrown chocolates to the crowd, the applause will not stop. I walk to the mic, and borrow from the playbook of pianist Bob Lenox, who taught me that "something sad" will always get the crowd to leave: " I have lost this championship more than any other contestant…congratulations to Pia Neises…goodnight"

In the bar the party is on, drunken revelers proclaiming it " the millennium of the Woman," and lots of fun and laughter. I am having no fun and not laughing, and later my girlfriend says by phone,"Yeah, I was worried you might be taking it too seriously." I think about the Olympics sure that Tap will emerge one day soon as on Olympic event, and equally sure of my own conviction, that dance is not a sport. I begin a campaign that after losing for ten years I get a lifetime achievement award. I feel lucky to have this week on my calendar every year, to dance with an enjoy the company of some of the finest, funniest, most dedicated dancers I know. I have no idea for the next year, but I know it will be funny, and I feel certain I will lose the championship again. But I bet I won't take it too seriously.